Virtual Zendo

I just didn’t make it this time. Life got in the way. Of course I let it.

We traveled to China to adopt our son. I vainly thought I could maintain my sitting practice, but alas I didn’t even make through the first week of the trip. I beat myself up over this for some time. Doubts about my overall commitment to this practice and this path crept in and here I am several months later still not sitting daily.

I have restarted my practice, though. I will move forward, gently. Gradually building up to a daily hour of meditation. This is, I think a minimum goal for the attainment of some progress.

In July, I will be attending the summer sesshin at ZCLA. It is a week long retreat. At the very least, I don’t want to arrive there so out of shape that I spend the whole time in knots, muscles aching.

It all goes away; the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. When it goes, what remains?

No really. I just can’t keep count anymore. I sit everyday and at some point I’ll figure out which day it is.

Every day.

So why Zazen anyway? Thats is a very good question. I don’t really know why I do it. Sure, a big reason is that I want enlightenment. I don’t know what that is, but I want it. Which I guess means I don’t know what it is I want. Which comes back around to not knowing why I do it.

An end to suffering could be the reason. What is suffering? Why is suffering? Who is it who is suffering? Perhaps the answers to those questions is what I am seeking. Perhaps that is why I do Zazen.

I sense somehow that this is a path I need to be on. I don’t know fully why just yet, but I sense that it is where I need to be going. Sort of like walking down a road in semi-darkness, knowing that the path is familiar without being able to discern the details of the path or clearly see the final destination. You keep going because you know somehow you will round a bend and find that whcih you seek.

Why do you sit?

A new habit is born. Smack that puppy on the backside and welcome to the world. Well, we’ll see. I made it to day 50-something last time. Old habits – especially lazy habits – don’t die so easily. New ones must be nurtured.

But that isn’t really the point. Sit every day – except when I forget. I may make it all the way to 100 days. I may not. So far, I haven’t missed a day. Creating the habit of sitting is the point.

Having the goal helps establish that. Whether it be “Commit to Sit” with Tricycle Mag, 100 hours Zazen or some other program at your center or temple, having something to aim for can get us there. Setting a new goal and resetting again and again, can keeps us there.

Just keep coming back to the cushion. Just keep coming back to the breath.

One more day and a habit is born. Isn’t that what they say?

I’m starting to settle into a little – late nights notwithstanding. Just keep pluggin’ along. Bow, sit, get up, keep going.

I managed to sit somewhat earlier last night. It really is easier to sit when you’re not fighting to stay awake. I was a little calmer too, though I don’t know why.

I haven’t conquered the late nights yet. I’m still sitting though.

Simply could not get the mind to quiet. I gave in to it. Sat for the entire second half-hour just daydreaming. At least I sat.